Conservative Zingers… That Aren’t

Liberals and atheists who enjoy debating politics and religion on the Internet are all too familiar with those moments when their conservative and religious opponents realize their typical bluster isn’t going to cut it this time.

Of course, it wouldn’t be the internet if they simply admitted defeat and bid you farewell. If they don’t resort to childish name-calling or personal insults, they will fire what they believe is a devastating parting shot at you on their way out. But while they may depart believing they have dispatched yet another hapless foe, in reality, their zinger has fallen ludicrously short of the mark.

Here are some of the more common retorts that have been launched my way over the years:

You need to stop worrying about the fate of others, and be more concerned about your own salvation.

A classic, often deployed after you’ve had the temerity to challenge the logic behind the Christian doctrine of salvation, not to mention the profound lack of fairness. Most conservative Christians believe the only way to avoid the eternal fires of Hell is to come to salvation through the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross, but that presupposes everyone has heard of about Jesus and his offer of salvation in the first place, which is clearly not the case.

So after posing perfectly reasonable questions about the eternal fate of young children, the disabled, the infirm, and those raised in isolation from Christianity, fundamentalist opponents quickly tire of being unable to present a coherent rebuttal and will accuse you of saying anything to deflect from what should be your most important concern–giving your own life to Christ.

You will make any excuse to reject God just so you can maintain your hedonistic lifestyle.

This one is typically deployed when Christians feel cornered while debating the existence of God.

In most cases, the most appropriate response is “I wish.” Apparently conservative Christians like to believe their non-religious counterparts are having way more fun than they are.

How can you claim the moral high ground when you believe in murdering babies in the womb?

Debates with conservative Christians on morality regularly end with this one, especially those involving issues of life and death–the death penalty, euthanasia, etc. In their eyes, belief in abortion rights disqualifies anyone on the left from claiming the moral high ground over any issue, which comes in very handy when deflecting from examples of inexcusable moral behavior from their conservatives bedfellows like, say, Donald Trump.

Try mocking Islam instead and then we’ll see just how brave you are.

A great example of passive aggression in response to anything seen as mocking Christianity. Not only does this fly in the face of the Biblical command to take joy in their persecution (James 1:2), but it shows just how jealous they are of Muslim authorities in other parts of the world who often “make an example” of anyone who mocks Islam. If only blasphemy wasn’t protected speech in America…

You’re complaining about female inequality in America when women in Saudi Arabia aren’t even allowed to drive?

This one is designed to shut down arguments in support of feminist causes like closing the wage gap and stopping online harassment. It might be more subtle than the old fashioned, “women should just shut up and look pretty,” but it’s all the more insidious for it.

If you love socialism so much then why not just give all your money to the government?

Ignoring the fact that most American conservatives I have interacted with have no idea what real socialism looks like, this barb is an attempt at disqualifying the opinions of any liberal who has had the temerity to make a good living and enjoy the fruits of a capitalist economy.

It doesn’t remotely resemble reality–the vast majority of Americans support some level of wealth redistribution, even if they don’t realize it–but shooting the messenger is far easier than debating the finer points of a progressive tax system with someone who might actually know a thing or two about economics.

My original intent with this blog post was to come up with rebuttals for all these wannabe zingers, but I quickly realized there was no point. As I have already said, these barbs are only trotted out when your opponent has already given up. The debate is over. You have already won, but they will leave feeling vindicated nonetheless.

Have any examples of your own? Feel free to add to the list in the comments.